I am a 30-something man who was labeled ‘female’ at birth. I began my transition a few years ago. I am also disabled. Trust me – the intersection of ‘transgender’ and ‘disabled’ can really suck. And because my condition is rare, I’m literally treated like a circus side-show act. I have chosen to be an educator in regards to my condition. Sometimes I really just need to blend.

Outside of medical situations, I blend very easily. In fact, very few of my current friends know about my past. It feels great in that I’m FINALLY seen as I’ve always seen myself – just another gay guy. The problem occurs when people eventually find out. I lost a very good friend this way – an older gay man who I thought considered me his brother – wouldn’t even talk to me about it. He just walked away.

So for me, blending is bittersweet. It is about moments – the moments when I’m seen as who I’ve always been – and the moments when it all falls apart and I’m treated like some sort of con artist. I wish I believed that I could disclose my history without consequence, but experience tells me different. My belief is that either way, I will be left feeling the burden of other people’s prejudice.

It depresses me that to some, my struggle and sacrifice around recognizing who I am and going through a difficult physical transition means nothing since I don’t tell the world about those extremely personal and private struggles. I’ve lost a lot in this process – both while disclosing and while blending – and I believe that I can say that I ‘came out of the closet’.

I really wish this were a non-issue. People are so obsessed and hung up on genitals – so unwilling to step out of the rigid, archaic prisons that leave so many of us feeling ‘less than’ or ‘abnormal’. What will it take for us to instead search with equal diligence for the exquisite pearl that lies deep within each and every human being? If we gave as much value to compassion and non-violent communication as we give to judgement and division, this world would be unrecognizable. I can dream.

As it is, I struggle to find reason to keep going. It seems that no matter what, I will be either ‘too trans’ or ‘not trans enough’ in the eyes of many. Disability has had its own effect – leaving me invisible when I most need to be seen and visible when I most need to blend. I’m unbelievably isolated and alone despite working so hard to connect with people. Sometimes I just really wish I could get off the ride and try again. Until then, I hold onto the hope that maybe my life can have meaning even though it opposes what so many feel is ‘worthy’.

Thank you for exploring this issue and for having compassion for others. You’re clearly a brave, bright, passionate person and I know you’ll change the world.

All that said, I wonder about the way you associate the Advocate’s interest in your parentage with your gender identity. While every article that mentions you may mention your parents, isn’t that also true of, say, Jakob Dylan, who is straight and male? Don’t all children of celebrities, even the highly successful and accomplished ones, face this same treatment? While i don’t blame you for considering it a burden in some ways to have enormously famous parents, isn’t that just the lot of those of you born into that situation? If two people make videos on the same subject, any subject, wouldn’t we expect a mass media publication to focus on the one whose parents are famous? This situation does not seem particular to trans people to me.

Perhaps if I’m right, you won’t feel so singled out by this treatment. Regardless, I admire you and your website, and appreciate, while realizing I am not the intended audience, the opportunity it gives me to learn about experiences I don’t encounter in my limited life.

So cheers, peace, and a long and happy life!

Jay

I’m glad I could help! If you ever want to talk or are having a hard time finding resources, feel free to email me and I’ll see what I can do.

It was as if this was a choice that cannot be undone! I’ve felt pretty nervous about it since. Your blog post has been a serious relief. There’s no reason that allowing the child to self-identify the way he wishes prevents him from *changing his mind at any time*. I’m fine with this! He may be a boy from here on out, he may choose to self-identify as female later, or genderqueer, and so what?? This is *not* a failure!

I just needed someone else to help me clarify these feelings. Thank you. I’m totally subscribing to your feed.